View source for I, Spy

by [[Tony Brooke]]

-from [[The Vid]]: [[Volume Two]], [[Volume_Two#Issue_13|Issue 13]], 5/9/91


I have now received my last paycheck from Lafayette College, and feel that it has come time to reveal to my friends and colleagues the true nature behind the four years which I have spent here.  Since November of 1987, I have been an employee for the college, and have garnered a fair salary and considerable experience as an undercover informant, working in conjunction with the Offices of Student Residence & Activities and Security & Safety.  This ‘confession,’ if you will, is designed to not only help clear my conscience, but to alert the student body of the ease with which I have successfully maintained this deceit for so long.  Please take heed not to let the following information twist your own outlook and/or friendships at Lafayette.  While there are indeed others like myself who have been attending under false pretenses, there are only a few of us, so do not let this goad you into any unsubstantiated accusations.  Also, I fear that this may inevitably alter my own friendships, and that this might not be done moderately.

In 1987, during my first semester here, I became affiliated with a fraternity which other seniors will remember, Delta Upsilon.  After a particularly complicated course of events one evening, I found myself in the custody of a number of security officers.  I had attended a ‘rush function’ which understandably placed me in an extremely intoxicated state.  Coming out of DU, I paused briefly to tend the bushes, not noticing the Security officers standing behind these bushes.  After letting me finish my business, they took me in for some questioning.  From what I remember, they described my options to me in terms of “my future” in relation to “the common good.”  They knew precisely who I was (a DU biddee) and my financial situation, which was not too solid at the time.  They made me an offer which appealed to my freshman attitude.  They sold me with a concept which I have been struggling to comes to terms with until today, and I am still not sure was very wise.  

In exchange for my being a steady source of crucial information and pertinent names, a privately donated fund supplied me with: a monthly paycheck, very generous increases in my financial aid, housing privileges and academic help, and a glowing recommendation for an entry level position in the CIA.  As I was just starting my college career, I was especially valuable to them as a DU.  This fraternity had been a thorn in the school’s side for some time and was #1 on their List.  My first assignment was to pledge and keep an accurate account of any and all illegal activities associated with the fraternity.  This original mission became more widespread in scope as time went on, as I naturally got to know more of the workings of the Lafayette underground.  I was essentially an expendable tool for their sneaky tactics, yet I naively thought of myself as some sort of free-lance detective.

As you might have guessed, my first assignment went very well, and during May of 1988, two weeks after DU had its charter revoked by their National, I was given a special commendation and a large raise.  This was a stressful time for me, as I had come to know the brothers of the frat as close associates, despite repeated warnings from my superiors about becoming ‘too involved.’  As I began my sophomore year, I became distressed with my schizophrenic lifestyle, and began to doubt the wisdom of accepting this role.  For a few months I became disillusioned and began to slack off in my duties, and despite the guaranteed 3.4 GPA (as per my contract), even my supposed ‘grades’ slipped.  Then, in the spring, I found myself with the opportunity to become involved in the musical ‘scene,’ and my superiors strongly encouraged this as another advantageous position.  This circle of friends was another aspect of campus life which was unknown to my bosses, and proved to be a bountiful source of choice information on many students’ private activities.  This was the period during which I most enjoyed my work.

After two and a half more years, I got careless and almost let my identity slip out in a drunken moment, but the student who heard my loose lips was coincidentally expelled a few days later for international espionage and treason.  I always thought that was curious.  I laid low for a few months, and still collected my pay.  Then, near the beginning of senior year, I realized that there were others in my line of work here at Lafayette.  I found at least fourteen in the fall term this year, and after considerable investigation, have since uncovered approximately four hundred and twelve more!  It seems that every student that Security has found in a blazingly drunk state over the past few years was propositioned as I had been.  Those who turned down the job were forced to chug enough Mad Dog wine to ensure a blackout, if one was not already underway.  Many of them do not even realize their positions and are not being paid because of newly developed subliminal persuasion techniques.  NOTE: If you ever receive a phone call which merely states ‘Platinum Rosebud,’ quickly dunk your head in a bucket of cold water before you start spilling the beans.  Most of these so-called ‘students’ do not know that they are not alone in their treachery, but this revelation is undoubtably causing hardcore repercussions by now.

I’m sure that many readers of The Vid and all of these undercover agents will find this hard to believe, but what I say is true.  To prove it, I’ll reveal some of the other code names given to spies like myself: (mine was “Eddie Haskell”) Mr. Bill, Dave Slick, Racer X, Matilda the Hun, Prank Fuskas, Frank Burns, Oscar Peterson, Tippy Turtle, Alfonso Ribero, Scrappy Doo, Lorna Doone, Richard Nixon, Louis Cypher and Huckleberry Hound.  You know who you are.  And, for those of you remaining doubters out there, how else can you explain the following strange events?  The Marquis Turkey Stuffing incident of February 1988; the mysterious disappearance of Joshua Arlow ‘91, who reportedly had been planning to assassinate President Ellis in 1989; that mysterious obelisk (“2001: A Space Odyssey” style) near Pardee which, under closer scrutiny is actually another subliminal message saying, “Eat your greens, don’t get drunk, don’t cheat”; AND, the removal of the Black Cultural Center, three fraternities, one social scene, a sense of common decency and a lot of sod.  Can anyone give a reasonable answer for these odd events?  Go ahead, it would be tough to find.

Still unconvinced?  Well, where do you think all of the college’s new revenue is going?  New programs?  A bigger library?  The Farinon Center? Ramer Hall?  A new pipe for Herm?  No, it’s going to pay for miniature bugs, wiretapping devices, camouflage outfits, nerve gas, subatomic powered wrist radio-TV’s, and the salaries of ‘spies like us’.  Now you know where all those nasty tuition and flex-dollars are going.  Trust me.

This confession has been quite difficult for me, as I now face the possibility of being ostracized or having vengeful victims seek retribution.  This I must accept, as I am indeed responsible for quite a few busts, some ruined lives and a lengthy police record or two.  Of course, Lafayette rarely lets the authorities know of most offenses because the only thing they hate more than a free thinker is bad press.  Once, I was witness to an event which faced me with the dilemma of revealing my identity or allowing a heinous crime to take place.  I was in a barroom with thirteen men, one woman, a ferret, a Twister game, and a…

Hugh Harris just called to assign me to a party at 115 McCartney street, so I must cut this short.  (Didn’t you ever wonder how I always discovered and showed up at all of your parties?)  Remember that things may not be as they seem:  “Long hair does not a hippie make.”  For me, college has been more than just an adventure;  it’s been a job.


-from [[The Vid]]: [[Volume Two]], [[Volume_Two#Issue_13|Issue 13]], 5/9/91